Alright, who threw up in my shoe?!

George A. Romero can be credited with creating the Zombie film genre. He could also be credited in destroying it. Survival of the Dead is Romero’s newest flesh devouring film. Does it hold up to his older films? Short answer, No.

Zombie movies have never been known for great story, acting or really anything. To zombie fans like me they are just fun movies featuring a creature that wants to eat your face and make you just like it. In 1968 Romero opened the world up to the Zombie menace with Night of the Living Dead. Then again in 1978 with Dawn of the Dead, changing everything we knew about the undead. Day of the Dead seemed to end the saga, showing humanity at its lowest point. All of these films were good in their own respect, likeable characters, a story with an under laying meaning about our society, and even some gore for those that like it messy.  I don’t think anyone would know who Tom Savini is without the of the Dead movies.

With the mediocre Land of the Dead and the fairly pathetic attempt with Diary of the Dead the only way Romero could go is up…right? Well if you remembered Diary of the Dead then the answer is an emphatic NO!

Survival of the Dead is a spin-off/sequel to Diary. A Spin-off? Yeah, remember the scene in Diary where the RV is stopped by guys from the National Guard? Then they rob the kids nearly blind of all their epic loots? The story follows that group of renegade soldiers trying to make their way through the zombie apocalypse.

It’s an interesting idea. Romero is a very good story teller. He knows how people interact with each other and he knows how to strain those bonds with the threat of having faces eaten. While the story may be good, the characters are just terrible. You’ve got the bumbling side-kick that watches bad late night talk shows via a laptop that can still somehow connect to the internet, there is the tough as nails G.I. Jane character who happens to be a lesbian, don’t forget about the suave ladies man that constantly hits on the lesbian, the cocky tech-savvy Teen-to-Twenty-Something guy who’s iPhone still connects to the network and can download videos, oh and he thinks the laptop the side-kick is using is “like totally lame.” Then there is the leader, your typical one liner spouting, karate kicking zombies just for the thrill, tough guy that only looks out for numero uno, that is until the movie starts.

The bulk of the movie revolves around a small island that is home to two rival families. The O’Flynns and the Muldoons. The O’Flynn tribe is lead by Patrick O’Flynn, who believes that once you go zombie you don’t come back. He patrols the island putting a bullet in the brain of any undead he meets. While the Muldoons are lead by Seamus Muldoon, his ideals are the opposite of the O’Flynn’s. He believes that we can train the zombies, possibly to make them eat something other than us. During a conflict, Patrick O’Flynn is banished off the island. He then sets up shop at a dock not too far away where he uploads a video to the internet acting like a used car salesman to get people to come to the island.

That’s where our heroes come in, they see the video on the kid’s iPhone and off they go. I have a hard time believing that the internet let alone the 3G network would still be up. Even more of a stretch is to believe that they would get service out in the middle of nowhere like they are. My friend can’t get service on his when he’s in town and the zombies haven’t even started the face Om noms yet!

Remember when I said the Leader of our band of misfits was the type to only look out for himself? Well that trait only lasts until they get to the island and suddenly he’s all about fairness and treating people right. Then slowly one by one his team gets picked apart, sticking to all the zombie movie stereotypes.

A main problem I had with the action in this movie is the corniness of it all. The leader finds it necessary to throw a vicious right hook into a zombie’s jaw, and then push him to the railing of the boat. Now all of this could end right here, except he conveniently finds a flare gun and lights the dead head up. Maybe if it was done in a way that didn’t make the character look like he was bored or this was an everyday occurrence. Even the kid is like it. He snatches a six shooter and can head shot a zombie with no effort, even giving the gun an old west cowboy spin and drops a witty one liner. Nearly every zombie kill in this movie is like that.

It follows this formula:

1. Character is alone, everything seems calm
2. Suddenly in a place once thought to be clear a Zombie appears
3. Character either smirks, scoffs or screams
4. Zombie lunges and Character parries
5. Land a kill shot then without looking directly at the camera for too long seal the deal with a one liner

I also don’t think any of the characters can see more than 10 feet in any direction. Think of it like when you were playing Diablo 2; remember that darkness that surrounded the party? It’s kinda like that. Two characters are out in the middle of the middle of nowhere and somehow two guys on horses manage to sneak up on them. I guess the Horses were masters of stealth and didn’t make a single sound.

CGI gore has ruined horror movies. It just doesn’t look right; there is no weight to it. The blood spray looks artificial and you can’t relate to it or be empathetic to it. Nearly all the gore in this is CGI, which makes the headshots look really cheesy and weak.

Some of the plot elements are way too unbelievable. There is a zombie that can ride a horse at full gallop perfectly. I know nothing about horseback riding, but I do know it’s not something you can just hop on the back of and be a master. Even if they were going for the “Oh noes the zombies are learning!” conflict it didn’t work. The physical exertion on the human body would destroy the zombie or have it being dragged along behind it…or at least a part of it. But really, I’m griping about unreal physical activity in a movie with creatures that don’t exist.

Survival of the Dead is a George Romero western movie with zombies spiced in for flavor. There were too many facepalm moments in this movie, even for the die-hard fans. Would I recommend this movie? Probably not. If you are a fan of Romero or zombies then you’ve been looking forward to this for a while. Hate to disappoint you. If you’re looking for a horror movie to watch with friends, you might want to get a case of cheap beer and chug until it make sense. Other than that, stay away from this movie. Sorry Romero, you screwed up. Not even blatant fanboyism can save this movie.